Sunday, April 1, 2012

I've got your April Fool right here, foo

Your baby will fool everybody with this brilliant and hilarious disguise.

Maybe I missed a memo, but I'm pretty sure whoever dreamed up April Fool's Day didn't mean to imply that getting pelted with Matchbox cars or told the same "secret" (the secret is "poop") 85 times in a row, would count as acceptable April Fool's Day pranks. I thought I'd been raising these people better than that. Motherhood is a zero sum game on the best days. For every proud moment, like when they actually say "please" in front of another living soul, there is another, less proud moment, like when they sob continuously for an hour at a birthday party because they lost the robot race (sorry, Harry - later, he said it was the best party ever). ;)

I've never really been into this whole April Fool's scenario, at least not on the giving end. I've fallen prey to many an elaborate and not-so-elaborate prank, staring mouth agape at my 54-year-old friend as she describes with tears in her eyes, the sordid affair that resulted in her current, shameful pregnant state. Yes, yes of course I'd sit with her in the waiting room at the OB's office. No, no I didn't judge her. Things happen! Like miraculous pregnancies...hey wait, BAH, screw you, etc. I vacillate between incredible naivety and extreme paranoia. Depending on the day, I'll buy any bridge you're selling or I'm googling the email address you had 10 years ago on suspicion that you're involved in an internet money laundering scheme because you asked me to spot you for lunch.

I digress. Well, that should probably be the name of this blog. Sarah Digresses. Sarah's Digressions? That sounds too close to a dysentery kind of condition. Have I mentioned that a dysentery kind of condition is sweeping through our community? No fools, I promise. It's horrible and disgusting. I guess it's a noro-virus like the kind you get when you unwittingly board a cruise ship with 2,000 other pudgy Midwesterners to sit around in the same tepid swimming pool water (that just happens to be teeming with vacation-destroying germs and 40-year-old men who never left the frat, mentally). I actually like the tacky, cattle herding experience of a cruise, so don't send me mean emails, please. I've just btdt, though thankfully I didn't come away with a "I went on a cut rate cruise and all I got was the opportunity to vomit over the side of the ship until I passed out" t-shirt.

Anyway (I digress), that shit is everywhere. Pun intended, I'm sad to report. Although again, thankfully not here. Knock on wood.

I think the biggest prank that's been played on me so far today has to do with the fact that Kurt is still sleeping, whereas I've been awake since 6:45, shivering in bed under 4 covers in the 64-degree house (this is why you don't let Kurt mess with the thermostat), silently crying as my children race through the house screaming about bugs that aren't really there (April Fool's mommy ahahahaahahaah). All I know is that if any of these people has messed with my coffee, they will be celebrating without me next year because I will be in mommy prison.

I wonder if it will be quiet there.


Jen said...

Nice segue into the dysentery. Not an easy thing to pull off.

And I have to side with the boys here—poop is always funny. Always. Except when it's not.

Katie2 said...

Funny stuff Sarah. Jen - glad you've been blessed with a boy because you will have PLENTY of poop and fart jokes in your future :)

MizGreenJeans said...

The thing I feel about most pranks is that they are generally based on something mean. I was thinking of what I could do today that would be a good AFD prank, and nothing came to mind that wasn't, in some way or another, mean. Maybe that's just how my mind works, I dunno. But I decided to just not bother.

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